As we grow older, it becomes difficult to just believe.

Things are gonna change now..... for the better?

Sat, 14 Jul 2007 00:20:34 GMT

a year ago.
i was a different person.
but somehow,
with the exception of one or two major things.
i'm right back where i was.

i am moving to ireland.
going to st. andrews for ib.
staying in killiney weeks.
with my family weekends.

funny how almost everything can change.
and stay the same.
...how cliche.

Sat, 30 Jun 2007 06:09:44 GMT

This time, tomorrow I'll be in Ireland.

Sun, 27 May 2007 17:04:27 GMT

I'm not who I thought I was.

So obsessed.

Mon, 07 May 2007 04:02:27 GMT

http://www.apple.com/trailers/sony_pictures/acrosstheuniverse/large.html

Mon, 19 Mar 2007 03:53:28 GMT

and some nights i miss you so much i cant breathe.
and i just want to hold you close and know you exist.
youre so far away.

Sun, 11 Feb 2007 19:12:22 GMT

and maybe its okay.
if i just press pause.
and live another life.
cause right now this one feels nicer.

a bit late

Sun, 31 Dec 2006 05:50:02 GMT

b:It was Christmas Eve babe
In the drunk tank
An old man said to me, won't see another one
And then he sang a song
The rare old mountain DEW
I turned my face away
And dreamed about you

Got on a lucky one
Came in eighteen to one
I've got a feeling
This year's for me and you
So happy Christmas
I love you baby
I can see a better time
When all our dreams come true

g:They've got cars big as bars
They've got rivers of gold
But the wind goes right through you
It's no place for the old
When you first took my hand
On that cold Christmas Eve
You promised me
Broadway was waiting for me

You were handsome

b:You were pretty
Queen of New York City
When the band finished playing
They howled out for more

g&b: Sinatra was swinging,
All the drunks they were singing
We kissed on a corner
Then danced through the night

g&b: The boys of the NYPD choir
Still singing "Galway Bay"
And the bells were ringing out
For Christmas day

g:You're a bum
You're a punk

b:You're an old slut on junk
Lying there almost dead on a drip in that bed

g:You scumbag, you maggot
You cheap lousy faggot
Happy Christmas your arse
I pray God it's our last

g&b: The boys of the NYPD choir
Still singing "Galway Bay"
And the bells were ringing out
For Christmas day

b:I could have been someone

g:Well so could anyone
You took my dreams from me
When I first found you

b:I kept them with me babe
I put them with my own
Can't make it all alone

b&g: I've built my dreams around you

In every way its changed since then.

Sun, 01 Oct 2006 17:58:43 GMT

You know all of me
My every action from miles away
Every inch of my being.
Stranger Wisdom has never derived
From more contradictory sources.
Every Clandestine of mine
Has never been, you knew too.

All of you dearest stranger
Is known by me
By some unknown source.
The emanation in your eyes
The few moments you are mine.
Is all that keeps me here.

Sun, 10 Sep 2006 19:21:07 GMT

NINETY SEVEN IN BIO.

so much for me sucking at science.

:-D

Wed, 23 Aug 2006 23:34:40 GMT

and maybe.
i havent been this happy.
in years.

dead serious.

Mon, 21 Aug 2006 20:49:17 GMT

so i really dont mind school.
i dont like it.
but i dont see why people are complaining about work so much.
yes we have to read a lot, no kidding its ap/ib.
yeah so i actually sat down and took notes/read bio for three hours.(the most ib thing ive eve done in my entire life)
but you know what i actually understand it now.
yeah i actually have been doing my math work, but suprise suprise i dont suck at math, it was just the fact that i never attempted to learn it.

so basically.
everyone whos worrying about things.
is only working themselves up for no big deal.
yeah, it'll probably get a lot harder.
so chill out.

it really isnt worth all the worrying.

nothing really is because if youre worrying theres a good chance you cant change it anyways.

you are my sweetest downfall, i loved you first

Fri, 21 Jul 2006 15:33:55 GMT

oh wow.
everything is so much clearer.
i understand things so much better.
i suppose i always seem to grow up a lot in the summer.
but this time im not so silly.
ive learned what matters and what neednt be worried about.
i know whats important and i know whats real and true.
that one boy.
despite everything.
(this is not saying that he is the only thing that is important real or true, it just happened to be the next point of discussion)
and this year its so different from the last two.
not in a im sure he'll never hurt me again kind of way.
because im sure he will. and im sure ill hurt him.
as human beings, we get hurt.
in a we talked a lot rather than doing OTHER STUFF that you guys probably assumed wed be doing.
the situation is pretty much understood between the two of us.
im not going to go on and on explaining what this situation is or the sequence of events.
as this shall be told when im home because i dont feel that it is necessary to write it out here.

im at ctyi now.
and its so different.
not as good of course.
but the philosophy course is amazing.
and there are of course a few wonderful people.

i miss everyone back home.
part of my learning this summer has been how much i love my friends and how amazing they are.
i almost had to leave atlantic. (LONG story, NOT important, lets just say ive learned my lesson the hard way)
and it scared the shit out of me. not because of new school new people shit, but because i cant imagine not seeing the people i love everyday.
i mean sure, i havent seen em in a month now but, its not the same.

ive changed.

Fri, 16 Jun 2006 03:00:00 GMT

You are my sweetest downfall
I loved you first, I loved you first
Beneath the sheets of paper lies my truth
I have to go, I have to go
Your hair was long when we first met

Samson went back to bed
Not much hair left on his head
He ate a slice of wonder bread and went right back to bed
And history books forgot about us and the bible didnt mention us
The bible didnt mention us, not even once

You are my sweetest downfall
I loved you first , i loved you first
Beneath the stars came falling on our heads
But there just soft light
Your hair was long when we first met

Samson came to my bed
Told me that my hair was red
He told me i was beautiful and came into my bed
Oh i cut his hair myself one night
A pair of dull scissors and the yellow light
He told me that i'd done alright
and kissed me till the morning light the morning light
and he kissed me till the morning light

you are my sweetest downfall
i loved you first

Fri, 16 Jun 2006 02:59:31 GMT

HockeyBoy621: i best see you 'fore you leave or our-land
HockeyBoy621: for*
HockeyBoy621: ourland =P
HockeyBoy621: or are irish ppl pirates
HockeyBoy621: and its ARRRland
HockeyBoy621: =P
sleepyhrtbreakr: LOL!!!!
sleepyhrtbreakr: ill see you. or youll die.
HockeyBoy621: yep
HockeyBoy621: i best you..ur my new irish pirate barbie
HockeyBoy621: =P
HockeyBoy621: they're very rare
HockeyBoy621: collector's item
sleepyhrtbreakr: seriously. two months without me is gonna be hard enough.
sleepyhrtbreakr: lol
HockeyBoy621: only one known in existence

Fri, 16 Jun 2006 01:27:11 GMT

imsoscared.

Fri, 09 Jun 2006 16:09:38 GMT

ew.
i have a physical on tuesday.
ew.ew.ew.ew.ew.
the idea is just horrible.
getting poked and measured and weighed and checked and looked at and examined.
:-(

Tue, 06 Jun 2006 06:23:04 GMT

yesterday i threw away all the pages in the "book" we got to remember 8th grade.
i let it go.
i threw away all the work from this year.
i threw away most of the letters id written to various people when i couldnt say what i needed to say to them.
letters i never sent.

i cleared out soooo much stuff from my room.
clothes. shoes. papers.

cleared.

wouldnt it be nice if we could do that to our minds.
just clear them out, organize them.
make sense of things and just throw out what we dont want to remember.

Wed, 31 May 2006 21:38:15 GMT

so every other year.
i was so excited to be out of school that i sat there and counted the minutes.
and dont get me wrong.
im sooooo relieved that im out of school.
im so glad this year is older.
its just kind of ehhhhhh.
ionno.
just a stage maybe?

Mon, 29 May 2006 03:30:58 GMT

i. am. so. sick. of. this.

two more days two more days.
thats all i can think about.
cause this shit is driving me insane.
and i dont even know what i think anymore.

Fri, 26 May 2006 01:07:50 GMT

so.
i dont like being like this.
but, how am i sposed to act.
ive been asked not to talk about whats happened.
but the only person who could tell me the truth.
wont.
sound familiar?
so basically im going insane.
im upset.
but for a lot more than people know.
today i sat and talked to kathleen about why i wished my dad would get the job in ireland.
but i come home to find out that they dont even need to inteview him, theres too many people who want the job who live there already.
so fuck that.
:-/
its not because i dont love the people here (NOT all of them)
but because as most of you know ive never felt like i fit here.
and... well i guess two more years wont kill me.
i cant wait to be out of school.
i cant wait for this year to be over.
its been horrible.
worst school year ever.
i wish i could have a memory wipe and just forget everything that happened this year.
but, its almost over, and next year i get to start all over again,
with no chem no miss kenyon no 2 math classes no stupid sophomore drama.
whats worst about things at the moment is that ive never been one whos good at keeping things inside. when i do, i just end up exploding. things just get worse.
and when i get upset enough, i get sick.
and thats happened.
i cant eat properly i cant sleep and even when i do sleep the little i am able to i wake up tired.
and its getting to the point where im weary of what i write in here which is ridiculous.
its something ive kept since 8th grade.
but i was going through entries.
and the longer i have it the less important stuff i write in it.
because its too damn open. which is really stupid.
cause why i have a journal youre scared to right full ideas in.

and this is not a " noone understands me " post.
its a fuck off and let me think and feel what i want to post.

and my brother made a flash animation of our puppy, manny who died.
and at the end, theres film of manny jumping up to lick the camera and running around in circles and just looking at the camera and this part is all to the tune of the beatles" love me do" and... my god i miss that dog.

the one thing i could come home to and hed love me no matter what no matter what id done wrong that day no matter what a bad mood i was in, hed run up and want to be near me no matter what, and when i came home on the weekends from being out, he was always happy to see me.
and my god do i wish he was here now.

and then oddly enough the one thing thats been able to completely cheer me up was walking to the bus loop after english with bb.
this is odd because i have known him since i was 5.
we have never been close.
we used to spend our time together making fun of eachother.
and today, i was soooo grateful to go to school with him.
because he skipped into my english class, and he was walking out when he put his arm around me and was like so... st lukes? and we started joking about how things were and how small our class and school was and what was nice was we could joke around and i knew he didnt know what ive gone through since 8th grade. i hadnt smiled and laughed so much all week.

no more chem.
EVER.

Wed, 24 May 2006 00:44:37 GMT

40 Things You'd Never Think to Ask...

1. Have you ever been searched by the cops?
nope

2. Do you close your eyes on roller coasters?
nope

3. When's the last time you've been sledding?
two years ago

4. Would you rather sleep with someone else, or alone?
not by myself

5. Do you believe in ghosts?
no

6. Do you consider yourself creative?
sometimes

7. Do you think O.J. killed his wife?
yes

8. Jennifer Aniston or Angelina Jolie?
neither

9. Can you honestly say you know ANYTHING about politics?
yes

10. Do you know how to play poker?
ha. no not really/

11. Have you ever stayed awake for 48 hours straight?
yes.

12. What's your favorite commercial?
i hate commercials

13. Who was your first love ?
david.

14. If you're driving in the middle of the night, and no one is around what do you do?
i dont drive.

15. Do you have a secret that no one knows but you?
yes

16. Boston Red Sox or New York Yankees?
niether

17. Have you ever been Ice Skating?
yes

18. How often do you remember your dreams?
hardly ever

19. When was the last time you laughed so hard you cried?
i dont remember

20. Can you name 5 songs by the Beatles ?
yes.

27. Have you ever narrowly avoided a fatal accident?
yes

28. What do you wear to bed?
changes

30. Does size matter?
haha

31. Do you truly hate anyone?
no

32. Rock or Rap?
rock

33. If you could sleep with one famous person, who would it be?
i wouldnt

34. Do you know anyone in jail?
no
35. Have you ever sang in front of the mirror?
yes

37. What food do you find disgusting?
a lot of foods

38. Did you ever play, I'll show you mine if you show me yours?
hahahahahahahahahhaa

39. Have you ever made fun of your friends behind their back?
probably

40. Have you ever stood up for someone you hardly knew?
yes

Mon, 22 May 2006 19:59:48 GMT

and right before i completely fall.
he comes back right in time.
to catch me.
ironic huh.

Sat, 20 May 2006 18:32:52 GMT

how predictable am i?

theres really no point in updating because.
people always know things.
they dont need to be told here,
they just know.
and that drives me insane.
nothings changed.
i still feel so awkward and i dont know why.
awkward in that i dont really feel like i fully belong anywhere.
dont get me wrong i love my friends and i know they love me.
its not the people, its the place and situations.
i guess i just feel out of place.
and i know other people probably feel like that too.
so im not complaining.
just stating the facts.

i know i cause my own trouble.
i always have.
and i accept all blame.

i just wish id learn my lesson already.
seriously.

Wed, 17 May 2006 20:06:05 GMT

so.
yesterday. someone asked me a question and it upset me a lot more than it should have.
because its a question i dont know the answer to and i used to.

the question was what do i want.

its not so much that i dont know.
its more so that im not sure what im allowed to want.
im not sure what i can have or already have or.
what affects what i want may have on things.

oh.
and on a more sensible note.
im going to ireland for 7 weeks this summer.
i leave june 20th.
and my parents are seriously considering moving to ireland if my dad gets this one job.
now if this was last year i would have been ecstatic but this year... not so much.

ONE MORE CHEM CLASS EVER!!!!!!!
then i shall burn all my notes.

Tue, 09 May 2006 22:27:29 GMT

Gov exam.

:-D

wow.

now only art history.

and then i will be so relaxed.